I Fell off the Wagon....

In case anyone has been wondering, no I have not been dieting or exercising since Friday. I started slacking here and there until it snowballed into a full-on binge. Today has been especially bad. 

Whenever I try to restrict calories, it starts out well and then it turns into nothing being "healthy enough" and I feel like I'm not doing it right. So, I start restricting my calories so much that I am literally starving and unhappy. Also, we got a new scale which said I weighed 3 pounds more than our old scale. And I wasn't losing enough weight (for me to be happy).

I also started giving myself a "day off" from exercise as a reward and that became 2 days, 3 days....

I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and I wonder if there's any advice she can give. I'm tired of this cycle. It seems like I can go about 2 weeks every time. Even though I know I'm feeling better and I am actually losing weight, I convince myself to go back to the way I was.

The Biggest Mess

I finally got around to sorting some laundry so I can put it away last night. I was up really late. Until after 2. So, I couldn't put things away while everyone else was sleeping. Today, I walked to Lavinia's room to put her stuff away. I couldn't even open the door more than halfway.

You have got to be kidding me.

So, I just spent a good half hour quickly cleaning up that disaster. I know that's not what I "should" do, but after begging her all summer long to pick stuff up (and a few instances of keeping her in her room for hours) I knew I should get in there and give it a really good clean. 

While cleaning, I made some startling discoveries. Sights and smells that should not be. I found cups with small bits of spoiled milk and some petrified cheese. Toys and other little things from all corners of the house. And the cat fur! So much cat fur. 

Hallelujah!

When school starts, this stuff will be easier to maintain since they won't be making messes all day long. It's been a good summer, though. It's kinda bittersweet to see it end in a couple weeks. 

There's a Definite Difference

I ran out of antidepressants two days ago. I called in my refill right away, but delayed picking it up because I dread taking my kids to the store. I absolutely hate it. Sometimes, Lavinia will be good but Henry does annoying things just about every time. I finally took them today and when they weren't running down the aisles, they were doing a crab walk. Or they were asking for toys, Icees, popcorn.... I am SO looking forward to the school year when I can go places alone or with another adult.

Anyway, I hate being so easily agitated. I'm not sure if it's due to not having meds or if I'm just allowing myself to be in a shitty mood because I have an excuse. I feel like it's the former because I usually don't have such a hard time dealing with this. Then again, it could just be a bad day. 

I lost another 1.5 pounds this week. Not a big loss, but it's a loss. Feeling discouraged, but not defeated. I skipped my workout on Sunday and Monday, but got back into it today. Kevin wants us to go on a family 8-mile bike ride tonight. I don't think that's going to happen. It's hard enough to go 1 or 2 miles for me. I feel like I'm letting him down, but there's no way I can just jump into that after not riding bikes for a year. 

Ugh. That's my inner voice for you. Here's hoping my medicine does it's job and tomorrow is better. 

Get Your Ass Away from that Scale!

I woke up late today (again) and started making excuses about why I "couldn't" exercise: "My knees hurt." "I won't have enough time." "I don't need to do it every day." etc.

So, I finally rolled out of bed and went out to the kitchen. I decided to weigh myself again to see if I'd lost any more. It was 248.5 today. A pound and a half gain. I swear I have not been cheating. That really upset me. So it was either a fluke when I weighed 247 or I'm bloated or who knows! It's just discouraging. I had to remind myself that it's still a loss from 251.5. A good 3 pound loss, too! So, I ate a little something and then had the kids clean up the Lego mess they made so I could work out. Stepping on a Lego while doing jumping jacks would NOT be fun! 

Lavinia then asked very sweetly if she could exercise with me. Of course! She (sort of) did the whole workout with me today with her little pink hand weights and it made my day. She's such a sweet and adorable little workout buddy. She really has no idea how much she helps her mama!

So, I just need to stay away from the scale until my Monday weigh-ins and keep up the hard work. I'm actually proud of the way I was able to convince myself to get it done and stop the negative talk. 

I won't quit and it will be worth every second. I know how miserable I have felt and this is a lot better than I used to be. I don't want to go back there. There are better things in my future.    

First Official Weigh-In

All right. Time to see how my first week went. I had high hopes and I feel like I worked hard at staying within my calorie goals. 

I started at 251.5 pounds last week. Today, I am: 

YES!

It's a loss of 4.5 pounds. I am pretty excited! When I diet, I do tend to lose a lot right away and then it slows down, so I don't expect to keep seeing high numbers (though that would be great)! So while I'm thrilled, I'm trying not to expect that too often in the future. If I do, I end up getting discouraged and giving up. That's not happening this time, folks. I am NOT giving up! 

Day 5 already?

I just finished Day 2 of Jillian Michaels's 30 Day Shred. Sounds fun, right? ;) On day one, I couldn't make it through the entire workout. I had about 5 minutes to go, but couldn't hack it. Today, I finished the whole workout! I took several breaks to catch my breath or keep from falling over from my legs being so shaky and sore, but still... I feel like I made progress from day one to two.

Lavinia (my 5-year old) is my little cheerleader. She reminds me in the morning that I need to exercise and she gets my weights out for me. Today, she seemed proud of me for doing the entire workout. She helps much more than she knows! 

I've been eating better and staying within my calorie allowance each day (except for one). I have a hard time with breakfast, though. I have to force it because I'm never hungry in the morning. I also need to get to the grocery store to get more healthy food. But things are going well. I'm trying not to beat myself up over every little shortcoming and just focusing on what I'm doing right and it's helping my confidence a lot. I really feel like this is something I can do and the future looks brighter.  

Day 3

I'm out of bed before the kids. This is unusual for the summer. I'm yawning my head off, so I'm not sure I won't have a nap today. I think my oversleeping is getting better. I did fall asleep on the couch at 7 last night, though! I didn't stay up late after that and I'm glad I didn't. 

One great thing about this humidity and heat is that it wasn't worth it to me to have a cigarette yesterday. I haven't had one yet today, either. I normally don't smoke until late afternoon or night time. I don't like to smell like it all day. I'm not sure what I do like about it, actually. There are lots of things that I don't: the cost, the health issues, the hacking in the morning sometimes, the smell on my clothes. I don't even tell the kids that they're called "cigarettes" or that I "smoke" because I don't want them repeating it. That won't work for much longer, I'm sure. I guess I tell myself that if I quit, I might want to eat more, but that's not necessarily true. 

My grandma is in town from Florida (yay!!) so we went over there last night. She ordered Fried chicken and a bunch of sides. I didn't do TOO badly. I did overeat, but not a huge amount. Today, I'll do better.  I did get all of my water in yesterday, so it wasn't a total loss.

Now for what I dread the most: exercise. I'm not doing any. I'm not sure what I should do or what I want to do (ideally, none). I could walk, I guess (running isn't going to happen any time soon). I just would have to drag the kids along if I wanted to go before it gets to be blazing hot outside. I suppose I should get some kind of workout DVD. Suggestions are welcome! 

Have a good day, everyone!