This might be kind of rambly....

I've had blogs before, but didn't really keep up with them except for back in the days of LiveJournal. I haven't really opened myself up as much as I used to back then. I don't know if I miss it or not though. I post things on Facebook now, but it's almost always about my kids. I feel like I use them kind of like a human shield for my emotions sometimes. By that, I mean that I usually post about them because that's "safe" and more likely to be taken positively. I am aware that I do that and I think people get tired of hearing about my kids all the time. It might be time for me to put some of myself out there. 

I spend so much time hiding who I am and feeling unworthy to do certain things because of how I look. I remember as a kid from the ages of about 12 on, feeling too fat to wear a swimsuit. Like going to the pool was just opening myself up to judgement from other (more beautiful and worthy) people. That carried on into adulthood. I LOVE swimming. I didn't let that feeling always stop me from going to the pool, but there was a lot of shame in putting on that swimsuit and it took some of the joy out of my favorite activity. Then, I had kids and I couldn't wait to get them in the pool! Even at my highest weight, I still wanted to get into a swimsuit and enjoy the water with them. I still do. Every once in a while, I'll get that old, familiar twinge of guilt and shame for subjecting others to my fat body, but then I remind myself that I'm ALLOWED to have fun with my kids. I am as worthy of a good time as any "skinny" person. And maybe if I weren't always punishing myself for not being perfect, I could actually start digging myself out of this hole! 

The last time I took the kids swimming, I saw this article on Facebook when we got home: When Your Mother Says She's Fat.It really spoke to me and just said everything so perfectly. I know my kids love me no matter how I look. Sitting on the sidelines, waiting to be perfect isn't a good way to live. I want to stop hiding from cameras and denying my kids any memories of me right now. And smile for pictures because I deserve to!