I Fell off the Wagon....

In case anyone has been wondering, no I have not been dieting or exercising since Friday. I started slacking here and there until it snowballed into a full-on binge. Today has been especially bad. 

Whenever I try to restrict calories, it starts out well and then it turns into nothing being "healthy enough" and I feel like I'm not doing it right. So, I start restricting my calories so much that I am literally starving and unhappy. Also, we got a new scale which said I weighed 3 pounds more than our old scale. And I wasn't losing enough weight (for me to be happy).

I also started giving myself a "day off" from exercise as a reward and that became 2 days, 3 days....

I have a doctor's appointment on Friday and I wonder if there's any advice she can give. I'm tired of this cycle. It seems like I can go about 2 weeks every time. Even though I know I'm feeling better and I am actually losing weight, I convince myself to go back to the way I was.

The Biggest Mess

I finally got around to sorting some laundry so I can put it away last night. I was up really late. Until after 2. So, I couldn't put things away while everyone else was sleeping. Today, I walked to Lavinia's room to put her stuff away. I couldn't even open the door more than halfway.

You have got to be kidding me.

So, I just spent a good half hour quickly cleaning up that disaster. I know that's not what I "should" do, but after begging her all summer long to pick stuff up (and a few instances of keeping her in her room for hours) I knew I should get in there and give it a really good clean. 

While cleaning, I made some startling discoveries. Sights and smells that should not be. I found cups with small bits of spoiled milk and some petrified cheese. Toys and other little things from all corners of the house. And the cat fur! So much cat fur. 

Hallelujah!

When school starts, this stuff will be easier to maintain since they won't be making messes all day long. It's been a good summer, though. It's kinda bittersweet to see it end in a couple weeks. 

There's a Definite Difference

I ran out of antidepressants two days ago. I called in my refill right away, but delayed picking it up because I dread taking my kids to the store. I absolutely hate it. Sometimes, Lavinia will be good but Henry does annoying things just about every time. I finally took them today and when they weren't running down the aisles, they were doing a crab walk. Or they were asking for toys, Icees, popcorn.... I am SO looking forward to the school year when I can go places alone or with another adult.

Anyway, I hate being so easily agitated. I'm not sure if it's due to not having meds or if I'm just allowing myself to be in a shitty mood because I have an excuse. I feel like it's the former because I usually don't have such a hard time dealing with this. Then again, it could just be a bad day. 

I lost another 1.5 pounds this week. Not a big loss, but it's a loss. Feeling discouraged, but not defeated. I skipped my workout on Sunday and Monday, but got back into it today. Kevin wants us to go on a family 8-mile bike ride tonight. I don't think that's going to happen. It's hard enough to go 1 or 2 miles for me. I feel like I'm letting him down, but there's no way I can just jump into that after not riding bikes for a year. 

Ugh. That's my inner voice for you. Here's hoping my medicine does it's job and tomorrow is better. 

Get Your Ass Away from that Scale!

I woke up late today (again) and started making excuses about why I "couldn't" exercise: "My knees hurt." "I won't have enough time." "I don't need to do it every day." etc.

So, I finally rolled out of bed and went out to the kitchen. I decided to weigh myself again to see if I'd lost any more. It was 248.5 today. A pound and a half gain. I swear I have not been cheating. That really upset me. So it was either a fluke when I weighed 247 or I'm bloated or who knows! It's just discouraging. I had to remind myself that it's still a loss from 251.5. A good 3 pound loss, too! So, I ate a little something and then had the kids clean up the Lego mess they made so I could work out. Stepping on a Lego while doing jumping jacks would NOT be fun! 

Lavinia then asked very sweetly if she could exercise with me. Of course! She (sort of) did the whole workout with me today with her little pink hand weights and it made my day. She's such a sweet and adorable little workout buddy. She really has no idea how much she helps her mama!

So, I just need to stay away from the scale until my Monday weigh-ins and keep up the hard work. I'm actually proud of the way I was able to convince myself to get it done and stop the negative talk. 

I won't quit and it will be worth every second. I know how miserable I have felt and this is a lot better than I used to be. I don't want to go back there. There are better things in my future.    

First Official Weigh-In

All right. Time to see how my first week went. I had high hopes and I feel like I worked hard at staying within my calorie goals. 

I started at 251.5 pounds last week. Today, I am: 

YES!

It's a loss of 4.5 pounds. I am pretty excited! When I diet, I do tend to lose a lot right away and then it slows down, so I don't expect to keep seeing high numbers (though that would be great)! So while I'm thrilled, I'm trying not to expect that too often in the future. If I do, I end up getting discouraged and giving up. That's not happening this time, folks. I am NOT giving up! 

Day 5 already?

I just finished Day 2 of Jillian Michaels's 30 Day Shred. Sounds fun, right? ;) On day one, I couldn't make it through the entire workout. I had about 5 minutes to go, but couldn't hack it. Today, I finished the whole workout! I took several breaks to catch my breath or keep from falling over from my legs being so shaky and sore, but still... I feel like I made progress from day one to two.

Lavinia (my 5-year old) is my little cheerleader. She reminds me in the morning that I need to exercise and she gets my weights out for me. Today, she seemed proud of me for doing the entire workout. She helps much more than she knows! 

I've been eating better and staying within my calorie allowance each day (except for one). I have a hard time with breakfast, though. I have to force it because I'm never hungry in the morning. I also need to get to the grocery store to get more healthy food. But things are going well. I'm trying not to beat myself up over every little shortcoming and just focusing on what I'm doing right and it's helping my confidence a lot. I really feel like this is something I can do and the future looks brighter.  

Day 3

I'm out of bed before the kids. This is unusual for the summer. I'm yawning my head off, so I'm not sure I won't have a nap today. I think my oversleeping is getting better. I did fall asleep on the couch at 7 last night, though! I didn't stay up late after that and I'm glad I didn't. 

One great thing about this humidity and heat is that it wasn't worth it to me to have a cigarette yesterday. I haven't had one yet today, either. I normally don't smoke until late afternoon or night time. I don't like to smell like it all day. I'm not sure what I do like about it, actually. There are lots of things that I don't: the cost, the health issues, the hacking in the morning sometimes, the smell on my clothes. I don't even tell the kids that they're called "cigarettes" or that I "smoke" because I don't want them repeating it. That won't work for much longer, I'm sure. I guess I tell myself that if I quit, I might want to eat more, but that's not necessarily true. 

My grandma is in town from Florida (yay!!) so we went over there last night. She ordered Fried chicken and a bunch of sides. I didn't do TOO badly. I did overeat, but not a huge amount. Today, I'll do better.  I did get all of my water in yesterday, so it wasn't a total loss.

Now for what I dread the most: exercise. I'm not doing any. I'm not sure what I should do or what I want to do (ideally, none). I could walk, I guess (running isn't going to happen any time soon). I just would have to drag the kids along if I wanted to go before it gets to be blazing hot outside. I suppose I should get some kind of workout DVD. Suggestions are welcome! 

Have a good day, everyone!
 

A New Way of Thinking

Next June, our family will be going on a multi-family vacation to Myrtle Beach with some of our in-laws. Once we decided that we were going to go, all I could think was, "that's almost a year to lose some weight and make some changes". So, here are some of the things I'd like to change:

I'm 5'7" and I weight 251.5 pounds. My BMI is 39. Obviously, I'm obese. It's uncomfortable. It's hard to do much, physically. I hate shopping for clothes in the "Women's" section.

I am one of those people who still smokes. I can keep it hidden or at least not in everyone's face for the most part, but if I had to go an entire week in a shared condo, it might be a struggle.  

I sleep too much. Today was probably the earliest that I've been really awake all summer and that was 9:30. Now that my kids get their own breakfast and can entertain themselves, I've become lazy(er).

I am a bad housekeeper. It would be one thing if I were busy doing things with the kids, but I'm not usually. I talk to them because they're around, but it's not as though we are doing crafts or doing activities together. I want to be a little more hands-on and I want to keep up with the house the way I used to. 

So, I know that those are the things I would like to see different, but I have a tendency to overwhelm myself and not be very disciplined for long. And thinking positive is hard for me, too. But, I think I'm making progress with my body image. I don't feel like I disgust myself anymore, but I know what I have to do to change what I don't like. That's the great thing about our bodies. The ability to change it. 

Working

On my way to take a shower today, I caught a whiff of the rat cage. Hoowee! I cleaned that sucker (which is a JOB)! I'm sure Rex and Louie appreciated that. 

Then, as I was sitting outside, I was inspired to trim a few branches of our tree. I just love it when I get motivated like that. 

I look forward to this fall when a clean house doesn't seem unattainable. I also love the summer with the kids, though. They have really been good this summer. I think they've gotten along better now than they did during the school year. I've loved seeing them spend time together and loving each other. 

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This might be kind of rambly....

I've had blogs before, but didn't really keep up with them except for back in the days of LiveJournal. I haven't really opened myself up as much as I used to back then. I don't know if I miss it or not though. I post things on Facebook now, but it's almost always about my kids. I feel like I use them kind of like a human shield for my emotions sometimes. By that, I mean that I usually post about them because that's "safe" and more likely to be taken positively. I am aware that I do that and I think people get tired of hearing about my kids all the time. It might be time for me to put some of myself out there. 

I spend so much time hiding who I am and feeling unworthy to do certain things because of how I look. I remember as a kid from the ages of about 12 on, feeling too fat to wear a swimsuit. Like going to the pool was just opening myself up to judgement from other (more beautiful and worthy) people. That carried on into adulthood. I LOVE swimming. I didn't let that feeling always stop me from going to the pool, but there was a lot of shame in putting on that swimsuit and it took some of the joy out of my favorite activity. Then, I had kids and I couldn't wait to get them in the pool! Even at my highest weight, I still wanted to get into a swimsuit and enjoy the water with them. I still do. Every once in a while, I'll get that old, familiar twinge of guilt and shame for subjecting others to my fat body, but then I remind myself that I'm ALLOWED to have fun with my kids. I am as worthy of a good time as any "skinny" person. And maybe if I weren't always punishing myself for not being perfect, I could actually start digging myself out of this hole! 

The last time I took the kids swimming, I saw this article on Facebook when we got home: When Your Mother Says She's Fat.It really spoke to me and just said everything so perfectly. I know my kids love me no matter how I look. Sitting on the sidelines, waiting to be perfect isn't a good way to live. I want to stop hiding from cameras and denying my kids any memories of me right now. And smile for pictures because I deserve to!